Finding the self

I didn’t want to lose you, so I lost myself instead.

As a recovering people pleaser, I’d have to say I lost myself many times in my life.

I think we all want to fit in, be liked, and feel like we belong.

However, many times that can come at the expense of our true soul’s expression.

This doesn’t only happen in the form of personal relationships, it can also be professional.

Not only have I held back my true personality to not ‘make waves’ in my personal world, I’ve also continued in business settings that I could feel were ‘out of alignment’ with my true purpose.

I feel a big part of this is due to something I heard my current mentor Kyle Cease say (he beautifully combines comedy and transformation), ‘You can only measure what you’re going to lose, you can’t see what you’ll gain.’

Think about that. How many times have you clung onto something for so long until you just couldn’t anymore, then later down the line something magnificent comes through that never could have if you were still hanging on.

In ‘hind sight’ everything becomes clear. But it’s in that moment, where you can feel the discomfort, but are afraid to lose what you do have.

If I no longer want to offer this service, I’ll lose these clients. What if no clients want my new service?

If I leave this relationship, what if no one else will love me?

If I truly act like myself, what if I’m rejected?

Our ego likes comfort and the ‘known zone,’ be it a great space, or just an uncomfortably comfortable space.

Our spirit knows only expansion and possibility. Our capability, our worth, our true essence.

It’s a matter of getting beyond the mind and reasoning, and truly connecting to our ‘self.’

Knowing that we are love and acceptance, it is not outside of us.

It requires a commitment to the self. To silence. To connection. To feeling through the discomfort.

But on the other side, is truth. How radiant would you feel to show up completely as YOU? Not ‘trying’ to fit in or be liked, or avoiding making waves. Not having to be apologetic, or settle for something less than what your spirit longs for.

For me, age has been the great password to cross the bridge to truth. When you realize the years are ticking by, and your time here is not as long as it once was (although no length of time is guaranteed, again only ‘ego’ thinks it has many tomorrows), you start to get bolder. You start to speak up. You start to question. You start to take your connection time to self more seriously.

But you need not wait for a certain age, nor a certain event. This invitation is open. It always has been. It’s just the noise and distraction around us that keeps us unaware, until something shakes us awake and alert.

I invite you to take a moment now to go within. Are you happy? Are you doing the things you want to be doing? Are you surrounded by the people you want to be loving?

One of two things can happen. You get a big YES, and you find more joy and appreciation in what you are doing, and pour more love into those you are loving.

If you get a NO, you look deeper, find what a yes would be, and find ways to open to them.

Sometimes (usually, mostly, always), it’s just us fighting ourselves because we think these things are holding us back from something we want to be or do. But when you look even deeper you’ll see, no one else can stop you. They are just convenient targets for our distress. It is US who stops us. Only we can hold ourselves back.

This is something I recently (finally) accepted, as all my ‘ego’ excuses tell me why I can’t be or do what I want, because of someone else wanting something else for me, and I must make them happy, or not having what I need to do it, or insert any ‘outside excuse’ as to why.

Yes, there is a balance when in relationships, but more so, if you use your partner or your business as a target of your ‘why I can’t,’ and then do what you think they want you to do, you’ll eventually feel resentment, place more blame, and potentially leave or be left. Only to find yourself alone looking for the next person or idea to blame for the reason why you aren’t where you want to be.

How much easier in the long run to just TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your life. Be HONEST about what you are feeling and what you need. Take ACTION towards the direction you want to be. Show up. Go within. Feel. Really FEEL. Cry when you need. Scream when you need. Laugh when you need. Stop holding it all in. EXPRESS YOURSELF.

And if you don’t know, that’s okay. Go within. Still don’t know? That’s okay. Go within. Just keep going within and you’ll eventually get back to yourself.

I had a long journey of pleasing and doing things that were out of alignment. Beautiful things I created (so not something awful), but still no longer resonating on the same level. When I finally somewhat let go (that’s another story!), I felt lost. I let something I created define me. When I was faced that I no longer wanted it in the same capacity, I wondered who I was.

I just wanted to be me, but I didn’t know who that was anymore.

That’s the beauty of going within. You find your true essence, which has nothing to do with your job, your creations, not even your family. It is your Divine Essence. The pure soul within. All the rest are outside expressions, which you get to partake in, share and enjoy. But should they fall apart, you are not gone. You are still within.

This is a journey. A continuous journey. Be easy on yourself.

I still ‘please.’ I’m not perfect. I still struggle going within. I still look for acceptance. I have moments of deep insight, and moments of shallow existence. I’m spirit. I’m human. I’m finding the balance. I’m finding self love, acceptance and expression. I’m still learning there is nothing to find, only to be. I say it. I follow it. I fuck up. I come back. I get frustrated. I forgive. I yell. I cry. I laugh. I love.

And that’s what keeps me going: I love.